In my last blog I wrote about accountability. The second part of accountability is to become transparent in all areas that were used secretly (hiding from the view of your spouse). Secret keeping is used to elude observation or detection.
No More Secrets
The top four areas of secret keeping in a relationship include: phone, computer, calendar, and finances. Review these four areas and make a commitment to overcome “secret keeping.” Secrets cover inappropriate or sinful behaviors and in some cases, reveal areas of power and control that have contributed to a gender bias and inequality in a relationship. Secrets also create a false intimacy between spouses. The emotional and spiritual intimacy between a couple is limited in proportion to the secrets that exist between them.. What specific measures of accountability do you or your spouse need to establish in order to rebuild trust? If necessary, talk to a pastor, counselor or trusted friend to help you.
By establishing accountability and transparency in any of these areas, you will be protecting your relationship. Remember that accountability is not about establishing control but an agreement to become transparent in areas that have been used inappropriately in the past or have the potential to create secrets between spouses. .
Benjamin Franklin said, if you fail to plan, you are planning to fail. By making a plan you are giving your marriage the best chance of restoring trust and developing mutual respect and accountability.
I am asking that you agree to be accountable for your phone: ☐ to me / ☐to your accountability partner, by (Example: giving a weekly/monthly printout of all incoming/outgoing phone calls and texts).
Email and Computer:
In order to rebuild trust in the areas of computer usage such as email, social media, and other purposes, I need you to be accountable ☐ to me ☐ to your accountability partner, by:
Schedule and Whereabouts:
In order to rebuild trust associated with your schedule (work and leisure), I need you to be accountable ☐ to me / ☐ to your accountability partner, by:
In order to rebuild trust in the area of finances (spending, saving, business or personal), I need you to be accountable ☐ to me / ☐ to your accountability partner, by:
In order to rebuild trust in the area of _______________________ and how you _______________________, I need you to be accountable ☐ to me / ☐ to your accountability partner, by: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Healthy/Unhealthy Guidelines for Establishing Boundaries
|Healthy Attitudes||Unhealthy Attitudes|
|A desire to reestablish trust in areas that have been used to hide or manipulate the truth about relationships, spending habits, personal or work schedules/habits from your spouse.||A desire to keep your spouse from having contact with people who do not pose a threat to the fidelity or priority of your relationship.|
|A willingness for mutual accountability in everything that you are asking your spouse to disclose to you.||An unwillingness to be accountable in areas that you are asking your spouse to disclose to you.|
|A desire to control your spouse’s spending habits, personal or work schedules where there hasn’t been a history of inappropriate use of social media, relationships, spending habits or work/personal schedules.|
Review the guidelines for establishing boundaries. Boundaries that are fear or anger based will not produce the type of fruitfulness of establishing accountability and transparency in your relationship.